Where angels fear to tread

My wife and I are blessed in having two beautiful boys: Oscar aged 14 and Max who is 12.  Max, who we adopted in 2008, has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHS).  Throughout the past 2 or 3 years, this condition has come to significantly affect Max and all those around him.  Life for us all has become so difficult that we have decided to send Max to a boarding school catering for ADHS and other behavioural conditions.  We will take Max to his new school in Paderborn in Germany on the 11 Aug, and this post is written in tribute to him.

I think this is my first photograph of Max taken in the New Forest in Jan 08.  On his right is his mother Christine and on his left is a close family friend Caroline

Max with his auntie Dolly in Dorset in August 2015

For those of you not familiar with ADHS (why should you unless you need to be), it usually manifests its self either as a hyperactive or impulsive behaviour or as inattentiveness or indeed as a combined condition.  Max has the latter.  Every parent writing about their child with ADHS, stresses the beauty inherent in their child and Max is no exception.  He is beautiful, compassionate, clever and witty but, and on the other hand Max has a deep well of anger within him probably relating to his past and when moved to anger he can be exceptionally rude - especially towards his parents.  His understanding of the concept of truth is profoundly underdeveloped and he lies frequently.  He is also extremely destructive and nearly always with other people's possessions and especially our iPads!  Despite being 12 years old, we still cannot leave Max unsupervised - whenever we have done so, significant nonsense occurs.  So, as you can see our Mouse is more than a handful!

Max - with Mummy in Salisbury summer 2008

When Max came to us aged 4 he behaved like any other boisterous boy.  The first time I saw him I was so amazed by how fast he moved, that I called him the 'Magic Mouse' - a nickname which, much to Max's occasional chagrin, has stood the test of time.  A close friend of mine - a mother of 2 boys and a girl herself - describes Max as a 'veritable force of nature' - he certainly is that!  If my memory serves me correctly, there was little evidence of the challenges that were to come - the occasional tantrums and bouts of naughty behaviour seemed quite normal and we took them in our stride.  He also got on really well with his new brother Oscar which obviously gave us much joy.  As an indication of his maturity, he decided to stay down a year at school in Salisbury by moving classes himself in order to help him manage the transition to his new school and family.  Amazingly, when we moved to Germany 3 years ago and Max attended his new school, he learnt German, which is a complex grammatical language, in about 3 months.


Max in a relaxed mood in France in summer 2010 aged 9



We have received a great deal of social welfare support for Max and were lucky to find a wonderful school in our area which provided exactly the type of pastoral care and discipline Max needed.  His teachers understood Max's condition and supported him patiently and consistently.  When we attended his leaving ceremony there in July, my wife and I wept with gratitude.  Max has also benefited from weekly therapeutic sessions and we all as a family have been able to discuss the highs and lows of life together.  We were always advised to ensure that every naughty deed has a consequence, but when one's armoury of sanctions has been exhausted or become meaningless, what can you do?  However, at the end of day and when all the helpers have gone, we've had no alternative other than to just get on with life as best as possible.  On the whole I think that we've done really well, but we are far from perfect and Max is getting bigger and stronger and, however patient and de-escalatory we try to be, the danger of physical contest is increasing.


Max and Puckle aged 2 in Dorset in May 2015

Christine and I are confident that Max will be happy and will thrive at his new school - he is amazingly sociable and confident.  But we also know that we will miss him enormously and will count the days until he comes home - roughly one weekend in three and obviously for the holidays.  I have just spent the past week with Max in Dorset where we were joined by my sister Helen.  We had a wonderful time together exploring, walking, watching films and visiting friends - always with skateboard in hand!  Max is at his best when he is relaxed and he has been really happy here.  As a parent you always want to do what is best for your children and I hope we have made the right decision for our Mouse.  He is gorgeous beyond measure and incredibly precious.  I am confident that he will thrive and be able to develop constructively in his new school.

Postscript: this piece has been written with Max's kind permission and he is happy with its content - just in case you're wondering.